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19 September 2009

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ms

another step removed ...

brtom

you mean ... away from real human contact? yes, maybe it is ... it's certainly a form of self hiding/shifting that may be akin to using a photo of trees in place of an actual photo of self as an FB icon ... maybe i will record the same poems in my own voice to see what happens.

ms

my fb photo isn't me to meg's dismay but her, not that anyone woulda known who, what or where had she not commented re same ... but what i look like is totally irrelevant to anything i think, of no matter. Maybe there is some of the same. Maybe it's writing w/o yr own name or w/o a name others know you by. But a computer reading it as a means of publishing seems more than just a photo of not you or a name not mine ... so much i think of poetry is the joinder of the words and the tone with which its done.
But who am i to say? I don't have the cajones to do much of anything, just feeling left behind cause i made stupid (in retrospect) choices, afraid to commit to doing anything or to doing nothing, and am floundering in a sporadic wasteland of whys and what ifs, why nots ... the sense of isolation and distance is perhaps enhanced by the casual comment here and there but little of substance ... or whatever may pass for substance. My bullshit i guess. Yet there is a difference still I think between what am i doing this second [and really who cares?] and ideas of the larger world where really it doesn't matter and no one does care who or what i am bc it's all so much more than quips ... but if all there will be are these little bites is that enough? I'm just sorta lost i guess .. not the first and certainly wont be the last time.

brtom

I thought I'd wish you joy in your lostness ... but then I realized that's just what I want for myself.

But I did take joy from hearing Alex read my stuff ... "his" tone helped me to hear some things that I couldn't hear on my own ... and gave me a good laugh.

ms

sometimes lost isn't all its cracked up to be.
and sometimes it is. there are glimpses here and there ... mostly there.
i realized i've had a job and paycheck from 6th grade until July ... not having that is very unsettling,,, it brings things up, it allows so much time, i have no structure within. for the first time in my life i am unable to take care of myself ... that i have often made bad choices and the "care" i took not necessarily amything that falls within a normal definition of "taking care" is beside the point. Now i can't, i have to rely on someone else.
i think i need to grow into this, whatever it is ... i think a job would be the easiest way out but who wants an old girl with unruly hair and an attitude something less than let me kiss the ground you walk on?
(No one)

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